THE MORNING NEWS

This is my new favourite site. The Morning News is what CRD aspires to be. The Non-Expert archives are hilarious and so up Quack's alley, you'd think she copied them.

HOW TO The Non-Expert: Pet Names
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week The Editors help couples understand how cute lover-names can become butt-quaking insults.

Have a question? Need some advice? Ignored by everyone else? Send your questions via email. The Non-Expert’s Desk handles all subjects and is updated every Friday, and is written by a member of The Morning News staff.

Question: My boyfriend and I call each other baby all the time but sometimes I want to call him dickhead. Is there a cute way I can call him dickhead? – Marion N.

Answer: It’s hard to make ‘dickhead’ cute. ‘Pee-pee-cap’ doesn’t really cut it, and ‘Cocktête’ sounds like a bad all-male revue.
But there should be a way to signify to your significant other that you’re pissed, without straying from couples language. Here are a few situations that should help.

CHRISTMAS IS COMING

Amaze your dinner guests with delectable concoctions such as the Cream Cheese Covered Sandwich Loaf, Spinach Dip in a Hollowed Out Bread Bowl (thanks Maria!), and the guaranteed crowd pleaser, Cheese Ball Rolled in Nuts. Watch for more mouth-watering recipes from our Wifely Guide to Holiday Hostessing.

Weiner entree from The Wifely Recipe Collection. Yum!

A TOUCH OF CLASS IN A NOT SO CLASSY PLACE

Hot off the press from The East Van Crawler, a new rag from the Lower East Side! In the social section today under "Everybody Who's Nobody", East Van Al's has earned another sparkling review. See how Al mastered the lost art of salted creamed cod.

Our maniacal gadfly about town and occasional shit-disturber Kitty giddily finds herself at a dinner party at East Van Al's. Despite her often abrupt [Ed. note: "aah, go fuck yerself" could be mistaken as such] behavior to his other more demure guests, our gal rarely gets left out of Al's East Van soirees that have quickly come to be labelled "A touch of class, in a not so classy place!"

KITTY SAYS"Why the dried Portugese entree was the most delicate fish I've ever had the priviledge to taste and the caramelized onions were to die for!" While holding back a tear, she stated "I raised my glass with passion and honour at the obligatory end-of-the-meal toast. From a very satisfied group of guests, the glasses chin chinned as we agreed in solidarity: This is the fluffiest, tastiest rice we ever had. ANYWHERE.
Humble Pie Al solemnly intoned, "Dutch food in my opinion is really the best dear. Yes, even better than Almond Chicken, although those Heathen Chinee are just as much of a tightwad than us Dutch".
If comments such as "Long live Queen Beatrix" and "Why don't the Dutch rule the world Mommy?" were any indication of how wonderous and tasty this legendary dish truly was, take this rave from our reporter. Kitty says, "I won't be turning down Al's dinner party invitations in the New Year when he has invited us all back for a variation of salted cod - the Shake n Bake version. No siree!" She sighs "How many sleeps left til this year is over?"