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ASK QUONSTEIN

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What Is AskQuonstein.com?

AskQuonsteins.com is an online resource offering instant advice from one qualified Quackster on our team of expert scholars.  They are available 24 hours a day, 6 days a week, and stand ready to address topics ranging from simple questions about selecting Nars lipstick hues to complex inquiries on personal issues such as How to Tell A Rude Shoe SalesPerson to Mind His Place.

Our services are available at no charge (for now), and we answer questions from Jew and non-Jew alike.

The site has been operational since today and since then our scholar has conducted more than 1 live chats, answered more than 1 email, and written more than 0 essays.  Along the way, they have helped people deal with everything from how to host a Charades party and tying a sari to finding the best pedicures and polling the sexiest men of the World Cup.

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Fact or Fiction?
Posted by: Lainey Gossip, Vancouver, BC August 20, 2006

Hey Quonstein,
Where's Suri? Is she even for real?

Dear Lainey,
Don't be such a yenta!

____________________________________________

A Kosher Cut
Posted by Shlomo, August 25, 2006 Montreal, PQ

Dear Quonstein:
Oy vey! My payas need a trim but doesn't the Torah forbid any clipping? My girlfriend tells me I'm starting to look like a goil.

Dear Kosher,
I heard Elias over on the Danforth does a pretty good trim although can't vouch for him being Kosher.

______________________________________________

Thief!
Posted by: Miffed, Markham, ON on September 6, 2006

Dear Quonstein,
Someone's been stealing my mangoes from the kitchen at work! I don't want to accuse anyone, but a new employee always has a mango at lunch. She looks shifty and she never shares.

Dear Miffed,
Set up a mango sting like my Uncle Moishe did when his poppy seed bagels started to mysteriously disappear from his pocket. Place a decoy mango inserted with an exploding dye capsule and then keep an eagle eye out for the telltale ink stain. That'll teach the newbie. ________________________________________

Picky
Posted by: Ricky Ricardo-Stein, Toronto, ON Oct 5

Dear Quonstein:
Did you ever pick your feet in Poughkeepsie? Just asking.

Dear Ricky,
Only during Rosh Hashanan when I found out the local bakery had sold its last round challah raisin loaf. A shandeh un a charpeh!

Wrinkle Dinks
Posted by Lizzie Lizard, August 21, 2006, Vancouver, BC

Dear Quonstein,
My wrinkles are so bad that my face hangs down to my knees. I've gotten Botox so many times that I've lost all feeling in my face and my plastic surgeon advised me against further treatment. There's a tea dance at Wreck Beach next week and I need to look young and dewy for all the doingers...what should I do?

Dear Lizzie,
Ah my little faygala, chop off your head! ________________________________________

Cat Nip
Posted by Snaggle Puss, Toronto, ON on August 23, 2006

Dear Quonstein,
I have not been able to have a good night's sleep in months! I have recently acquired a furry alarm clock that consistently gets me up at 4:00 a.m....the kitten insists on jumping all over me, biting my hands, feet and uses his sandpaper tonge to lick my body.
I'm developing dark circles under my eyes and possibly mono, appendicitis and hepatitis as a result.
Any advice?
____________________________________________________

Dear Snaggle Puss
What about a high voltage electrical fence around your bed? Mind you, I'd be careful not to set the current at a level that would fry kitty. A stop gap method until you erect the barrier is to top off his water bowl with vodka...or yours for that matter and he could lick until the cows come home.

Pork Consumption
Posted by: Julie Wong, Shanghai, PRC on August 20, 2006

Dear Quonstein,
I am in a terribly conflicting situation and I hope you can give me some advice.
As a Chinese Jew I follow the laws of Judiasm diligently by having two sets of dishes, wearing a wig, eating bagels and lox on Sundays and not laughing at Sarah Silverman.
However, I am obligated to dine with my relatives who wheel out a whole roasted pig for everyone to feast on. As everyone knows, pork is part of the Chinese heritage and I find it hard to refuse the banned meat as it will offend my relations and possibly cause a huge rift. Plus, I love pork.
Is it wrong to deny my culture?

Dear Julie,
Oy vey, what a difficult situation. I consulted the Torah but could not find any reference to this dilemma. So, I called my Dad and he said you could do whatever you wanted, just as long you didn't smoke and walk at the same time, as this is just trashy and reflects poorly on your upbringing, be it Chinese or Jewish. Hope this helps! _______________________________________________

Tree Trunks
Posted by: Jujitsu, Calgary, AB on August 20, 2006

Dear Quonstein,
I'm starring in a new Kung Fu movie releasing this fall. Does this still make me look fat?

kungfuhustle.jpg

Dear Jujitsu,
Your legs look a bit stumpy, but nothing some Photoshopping can't tweak. Mazel tov anyway!
___________________________________________

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