HUMAN DOG LEADERSHIP

Note correct subserviant position of the human.

Brrrrrip! Bling Bling! Rrrrrahhhhh!

Kaiya, Sadie..get back here!

Human Dog Leadership is a very special dog training program where Paul and Craig enrolled their dogs. Canines are given a secret name to be uttered only at selected times (I never knew when - it all seemed so haphazard). As well, the dogs were taught to scent trek, but the only time I saw them even do something remotely resembling that was when dinner was being made. HDL meetings were held at members' houses and visitors strongly discouraged. Naturally, we used to sneak up to Paul and Craig's when they hosted a session to see what was going on. In the darkened living room we saw various dogs sprawled on the floor with owners crooning, "You are the best, most beautiful, smartest, most human-like dog ever" to them in a soft murmur.
I doubt the rigorous training ever paid off for Kaiya "Silk Stockings" and Sadie "Queen Mum" because every time I saw them, they were tearing around the house, jumping on visitors and slamming their bodies against the front door in a bid to escape.
Meal times were complicated affairs. The dogs were given a raw food diet (see recipe below) based upon their original diets when they were wild animals roaming the earth. Or something like that. Frozen kidneys and other organ bits were fished out of the freezer. Carrots and beets and were shaved and tossed into the mixture with a generous dollop of olive oil on top. Brown rice was usually thrown in for carb content and by this time, the mutts were literally drooling with anticipation and heaving their starving bodies towards their bowls. Poor Kaiya. Her sister Sadie got all the glory, while Kaiya with her beat up ears and bitchy demeanour, languished in the shows, barely scraping by with enough points to earn her championship status.

HOW TO FEED YOUR DOG ON $50 A DAY

1/2 cup raw organic meat (ground poultry, beef, lamb, organ meats)
1/2 cup raw pureed vegetables (variety!)
1/4 cup cooked whole grains
1 teaspoon bonemeal powder (double for puppies and pregnancy)
1/4 teaspoon ascorbic acid powder with bioflavinoids (vitamin C)
1/4 teaspoon kelp powder
1/4 teaspoon minced organic wild garlic (not powder)
1 teaspoon oil mixture (2 teaspoons with poultry)

Oil mixture:
11 oz. canola oil (cold pressed)
2 oz. wheat germ oil
2 oz. flax oil
Keep refridgerated in an opaque container.

Perfectly content non-Human Dog Leadership couple.

PLEASURE CRUISE

The Pursuit as it should be in calm conditions.

Craig is an experienced boater. He checks the gas, has all appropriate safety equipment stowed on board and consults the marine forecast. Usually.
One day C, Treva, Steve and I decided to make a quick trip out to the cabin on the pretence of repairing the generator. Enroute to the dock, I noticed something a bit strange. "Craig, why is the horizon line black and fuzzy?". And why are the other boats going back to shore? As we turned into the channel, the waves grew positively monstrous. And it got worse. 20 foot waves pitched the little Pursuit high into the air for what it seemed like an eternity, until we slammed down with such force it sent us tumbling over one another. All we could hear was Treva screaming, until Steve, his face white, yelled at her to shut up. We couldn't turn back without the risk of being side swiped so Craig decided to press on. After a horrendously long time of non-stop stomach-churning drops, we limped into Blue Heron Cove and the sight of the Ward's flag pole never looked so reassuring.
Once we were safely in the cabin, Treva and I immediately discussed calling the Coast Guard to fly in and rescue us, but Craig quickly dismissed that idea and gave us all a stiff shot of Scotch to calm our frayed nerves. We wanted to stay overnight, but no, the Skipper wanted to go back. GO BACK! He claimed he knew another route that would avoid the dangerous channel. Stupidly in our state of shock, we agreed.
Craig, to his credit, did manage to avoid the treacherous waves on the way back, but at that point it didn't matter because while Craig was up fixing the generator (can you belive that?), the three of us finished off the bottle of Scotch.
Treva didn't step foot in the boat for a very long time. And Craig, feeling rather guilty about subjecting us to such a life-threatening experience, bought us dinner that night and generally treated us very nicely for a period of time.